Yours Truly

What next?

January 26, 2015

It started with a simple request from Mr C. All he wanted was for me to help him write a letter and CV to help him apply for a job at work. That one little request has set off a chain reaction in my brain and all week I have been struggling with a massive crisis of confidence. I just don’t know who I am anymore. Okay I think that is a little melodramatic, but I am left feeling very overwhelmed and confused.

I knew that this bombshell was bound to hit sometime this year, with Kate starting school in September and the fact that there will be no more Cheesley babies for us (two is enough – and one day in the future we would like to sleep again). What next? Financially I do not need to go back to work, although if I did we could afford more things like holidays and meals out. I could buy more fabric. But once you start thinking about work you start thinking about childcare. What would we do before and after school? What about holidays? They have so many weeks off in the year.

Do I miss working? Sometimes. For a couple of reasons. One, when I am tidying the house for the billionth time and just feeling that my life is Groundhog Day. But the truth of it is that I would still have to do the endless washing up, tidying, organising that I do now, I would just have less time to do it. I really miss being super efficient and organised. I was really good at what I did. I liked working in an office. The company, being tidy, solving problems, writing lists, crossing things off lists. Spreadsheets. When I am at the computer organising the village Toddler group Nearly New Sales I get that feeling back. And it is really good. But I do not get paid for that sadly.

I have been thinking about sewing and Petit Fromage. I love making things, but I think that I have come to the conclusion that I don’t really want to do it for a living. If it becomes a business then there is a lot of work and stress attached to that and I think that it will take away the enjoyment and stress relief that being creative in this way gives me and that would be a really bad thing. I am fully aware that my mental well being is a finely balanced thing. I will continue to sell some bits though, just to fund my fabric habit.

And that brings me full circle back to the working thing. I think that actually working could have a really positive effect on my confidence and well being. However, the extra stresses of being a working parent could negate all of that. There are some things I do know. That I don’t want to be depressed anymore. That I have had days recently where I feel like I am sliding back down a slippery slope again. That when these days come all I can do is sit quietly and rest. Let myself cry, have a bad day and wait for it to pass. Could I do that if I were working too?

spreadsheet

On top of everything we still don’t really know what Mr C is going to do next. He isn’t traveling so much this year, which is great, but he has been working for the same department in the same company for 20+ years and it is definitely time for him to stretch his wings and do something different. Who knows what at the moment but if it means that he will be working longer hours or traveling a lot again well that would mean it would be harder for me to work.

And so I go round and round in circles. I don’t have any idea what to do. I don’t even know what I am good at anymore.

 

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12 Comments

  • Reply Helloitsgemma January 26, 2015 at 3:00 pm

    Oh this really resonates. There is so much about work I miss, particularly being stretched. I used to do lots of crisis management, I miss the responsibility and the opportunity to think on my feet. Equally, I recognise how important it is for my son and me to be at the school gate, to have time to listen to him read. I recognise I’m not knackered all the time.

    The last line you wrote, have those same thoughts. I just don’t know where to start.

    • Reply Kelly January 27, 2015 at 8:43 pm

      Oh yes, the not being knackered all the time. Well, some times in my case as I still have the non sleeping variety of children. It really struck a note with me though as if I worked as well those bad nights would just be even worse torture. Piran is also really funny about who picks him up and takes him to school so if I did work I would have to work that out too. Soon they aren’t going to want us there at all I suppose. So maybe I should just shift my focus to that. Thanks for the comment lovely x

  • Reply PhotoPuddle January 26, 2015 at 10:40 pm

    Oh my gosh Hun. I could have written this post myself. I am in exactly the same place at the moment. Although to be fair I am a year behind you as my son doesn’t start school until next September.
    I have lost so much confidence since leaving work to have children and can’t imagine what I would do for work now. I have no desire whatsoever to work for myself though. I need to be an employee!
    But the main worry for me is how I would work AND be a full time mother. I have no family locally to help with childcare. I don’t really want to spend all my wages on childcare. And I WANT to be there for school runs. And I WANT to spend the holidays with my children. But I also want to do something constructive with my life when they are both at school and the extra pennies would come in handy.

    • Reply Kelly January 27, 2015 at 8:41 pm

      You have summed up in one paragraph what it took me a whole blog post to do! What did you do before babies? I was in Customer Service and I am not sure I can face going back to that. You change so much as a parent that it is hard to remember what it was all about I think.

      • Reply PhotoPuddle January 27, 2015 at 11:35 pm

        I had various jobs in publishing, design, websites etc. I feel it has all moved on so fast though and not sure I could fit back into it now. No idea what I want to do now! I am hoping a perfect opportunity will just land in my lap!!

  • Reply Elizabeth Rebecca January 26, 2015 at 11:43 pm

    I’m having this same struggle with work and an MA.

    Lizzie Dripping

    • Reply Kelly January 27, 2015 at 8:39 pm

      Life is never straight forward I guess!

  • Reply Jordan January 27, 2015 at 12:07 pm

    Hello,
    I too feel the same right now. About the whole of life!
    I have so many little things going on (none of which really matter, but really feel like they do) & i just feel absolutely useless about being able to do anything about them – because I’m just not good enough too. I know its a silly thing to say!
    Our children are of the same school age & i have not a clue what I’m going to do when that day comes either!
    I’m sure we’ll figure it out……

    • Reply Kelly January 27, 2015 at 8:39 pm

      I feel a bit silly for sort of feeling alone in this. Of course all my twitter friends who I bonded with over 3am feeds and pregnancies and babies are all going through the same things as me. All these comments have really made me feel better about it. I think a lot of the problem is that most of my friends do work so they maybe don’t understand where I am coming from. You are right we will all work this out together x

  • Reply Sandy Calico January 27, 2015 at 1:33 pm

    Oh my, I feel exactly the same. I can’t get my head round it. What I have been doing is voluntary work as a school governor and chairing the PTA. This fits in with the children, I am being stretched, learning new things, using Excel, meeting people, and has led to part time paid work. I can’t be idle, I like to be busy, and this is working for us now. Good luck with whatever you decide to do xx

    • Reply Kelly January 27, 2015 at 8:37 pm

      I have recently joined some committees – I organise 2 Nearly New Sales a year and I am the Secretary on the Nursery School committee. Both help, so maybe I should look for more of the same. Thank you for your comment. All of a sudden I realise that of course there are others going through the same thing. My bloggy friends had babies the same time as me, of course they are going to be having the same thoughts and confusions. I am glad you are finding something that works for you x

  • Reply Di February 5, 2015 at 10:08 am

    Hi Kelly. I have finally looked at your blog rather than sticking with IG. You write some thought provoking posts and I will be back for a nosey in the future! I have had these thoughts myself and my solution was to do some voluntary work. It may not be fashionable but I love it. It fulfils me, is flexible and gives back to the community. I am using my skills and get a real buzz from it. Just an idea… Di x

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