It started with a simple request from Mr C. All he wanted was for me to help him write a letter and CV to help him apply for a job at work. That one little request has set off a chain reaction in my brain and all week I have been struggling with a massive crisis of confidence. I just don’t know who I am anymore. Okay I think that is a little melodramatic, but I am left feeling very overwhelmed and confused.
I knew that this bombshell was bound to hit sometime this year, with Kate starting school in September and the fact that there will be no more Cheesley babies for us (two is enough – and one day in the future we would like to sleep again). What next? Financially I do not need to go back to work, although if I did we could afford more things like holidays and meals out. I could buy more fabric. But once you start thinking about work you start thinking about childcare. What would we do before and after school? What about holidays? They have so many weeks off in the year.
Do I miss working? Sometimes. For a couple of reasons. One, when I am tidying the house for the billionth time and just feeling that my life is Groundhog Day. But the truth of it is that I would still have to do the endless washing up, tidying, organising that I do now, I would just have less time to do it. I really miss being super efficient and organised. I was really good at what I did. I liked working in an office. The company, being tidy, solving problems, writing lists, crossing things off lists. Spreadsheets. When I am at the computer organising the village Toddler group Nearly New Sales I get that feeling back. And it is really good. But I do not get paid for that sadly.
I have been thinking about sewing and Petit Fromage. I love making things, but I think that I have come to the conclusion that I don’t really want to do it for a living. If it becomes a business then there is a lot of work and stress attached to that and I think that it will take away the enjoyment and stress relief that being creative in this way gives me and that would be a really bad thing. I am fully aware that my mental well being is a finely balanced thing. I will continue to sell some bits though, just to fund my fabric habit.
And that brings me full circle back to the working thing. I think that actually working could have a really positive effect on my confidence and well being. However, the extra stresses of being a working parent could negate all of that. There are some things I do know. That I don’t want to be depressed anymore. That I have had days recently where I feel like I am sliding back down a slippery slope again. That when these days come all I can do is sit quietly and rest. Let myself cry, have a bad day and wait for it to pass. Could I do that if I were working too?
On top of everything we still don’t really know what Mr C is going to do next. He isn’t traveling so much this year, which is great, but he has been working for the same department in the same company for 20+ years and it is definitely time for him to stretch his wings and do something different. Who knows what at the moment but if it means that he will be working longer hours or traveling a lot again well that would mean it would be harder for me to work.
And so I go round and round in circles. I don’t have any idea what to do. I don’t even know what I am good at anymore.