I love that, sucked weasles, it is what we used to say at work if we were having a bad day. Those of you that follow me on twitter may have realised that I have been having a bad week. I have tried to keep my upset, anger and frustration to a minimum but when I am here all day alone it is good to have an outlet.
I have written on this blog before about the condition that I have. It is called Hidradenitis suppuritiva. Unfortunately it is one of those things that there is no cure for. I have had countless operations, courses of antibiotoics, seen specialists, consultants and a homeopath yet here I am again.
I had hoped that I would get some relief when pregnant as it has always seemed linked to my hormones in some way. It usually flares up every month but when I was pregnant I did have some relief, although I can remember two main occasions where I had it badly, and I wrote this post about it. At that time I had a lesion on my bottom which made sitting, walking or lying down very uncomfortable. This week I have had a massive leison at the top of my leg where it meets my groin (where my knicker elastic would be). I am unable to walk, wear anything other than a skirt or a nightie, I could not bend the leg so getting up and down stairs was agony and bending impossible unless I stuck my left leg out behind me (like a dodgy ballet dancer). Sitting was agony.
You can imagine what looking after a 7 week old baby is like when you cannot do these things. I cannot put him on his play mat or in his chair. I can manage his cot as it is not too low. Luckily I have a changing table where he is a chest height so that is not to bad. He likes to be jiggled about and rocked to sleep but this means walking which was hard. Getting down into the chair to feed him was so hard I was biting on a muslin to stop me crying out. In the end we have camped out in the bedroom for the past two days with his bottles and a flask for warming them and he has laid on the bed or watched his mobile in his cot to amuse himself. Not so bad now when he is so small but what about when he is older?
If I stop to consider all of this I feel like I am paralysed. This flare up has coincided with my periods returning after having a baby so the chances are that this will happen every month. How will we manage to look after Piran? When I am phsically unable to do something for him I feel like such a failure. Was I selfish to have a baby? I thought about it a bit but we didn’t factor it into our decison making. What about when he is mobile? How will I run and catch him, how will I stop him if he does something dangerous? I haven’t been able to take him for a walk this week, and I usually try and make sure he gets out every day. His Nan has taken him for me but I am his mother, it is my job.
Everyone that says you get delivered a truck load of guilt along with your baby was right, I am constantly second guessing my own decisions, I spend hours deliberating about what I am going to do about going back to work (and I am not even due back until next June!) and worrying that I am not doing the best for my child. Now I have thoughts of how will we cope if this gets worse, what happens if it is hereditary (not proven, but my brother has the same thing, although no one else in my family does) and how can I even consider a second child if I am not capable of looking after the first?
I have a responsibility to this little man who is lying fast asleep on the bed next to me right now. I have to banish my fears and deal with each day as it comes. Today I feel physically a bit better, so my mental state is a bit better too. I have to stay positive and take positive action. I am going to spend some time doing some research into things I can do to help myself and I am going to go back to the doctor and get another referral to see someone about this. I do not want an operation again but perhaps it is time to try antibiotics again or maybe there is even something new, after all it is over a year since I saw anyone about this.