January 4, 2006

Xanthippe was the wife of Socrates and she was angry and bad tempered and not very nice.

Which people, is how I feel today. I do not want to be here, ploughing through my hundreds of emails that I have from when I was on holiday and attempting to sort out the big COCK UP (yep it’s that big it needs capitals!).

So instead here are some Christmas Gems I have been saving for you:

*** *** *** *** ***

Dancinfairy arrives at the homestead to cheers of joy and happiness from Dippy Mother.

Step Demon (ok, Step Dad but he deserves his new title): “Hello fairy, you are looking well, are you with child?”

I refuse to comment on this – except to say he is a bastard and it is only a few extra pounds.

*** *** *** *** ***

Later at dinner with Dippy Mother, Step Demon, Godmother and Step Bro.

Dippy Mother: How’s the job going Step Bro?
Step Bro: Grunt
Dippy Mother: Fairy, Godmother and I have had a great idea for a way for Step Bro to make money.
Dancinfairy: Go on..
Dippy Mother: He should be an Elvis Impersonator.
Dancinfairy: (choking on lamb) What? He doesn’t even look like Elvis.
Dippy Mother: Well none of them do really, he would wear a wig and a costume.
Dancinfairy: (laughing uncontrollably) Is there muchh call for Elvis Impersonators in Cornwall Step Bro?
Step Bro: (laughing too) I have no idea
Dancinfairy: (crying and laughing at the thought of her 6 foot Step Bro in an Elvis costume) Oh well you could always come and stay with me and do the Brighton and Hove Circuit.
Dippy Mother: (Indignant look on face)Well you needn’t be like that, they have them in Chinese Restaurants you know.

*** *** *** *** ***

Dippy Mother: Have you seen my hat? It’s very nice.
Dancinfairy: Yes you have had it for years.
Dippy Mother: Well it is nice – I call it my schizophrenic hat.
Dancinfairy: Ok….why?
Dippy Mother: Because it is a hat or a scarf (demonstrates that indeed if you pull the toggle at the top you can pull it over your head and it goes around your neck like a scarf) See!
Dancinfairy: Great
Dippy Mother: I called it that to a schizophrenic once.
Dancinfairy: You did what?
Dippy Mother: Yeah, luckily they were a nice schizophrenic and they just laughed.

*** *** *** *** ***

Dippy Mother: So, no nice men on the horizon (5,000,000,000th time she had asked me since I got there)
Dancinfairy: I have spent all Christmas surrounded by couples. All they do is bicker and argue. Kind of puts you off.
Dippy Mother: Me and Step Demon don’t argue.
Dancinfairy: You just had a row about the fact you took the wrong saucepan out of the cupboard for the potatoes.
Dippy Mother: Fair point. Oh well, just get yourself knocked up and then you can be a single mum. It would be nice to have another kid around the place.
Dancinfairy: (SPEECHLESS)

*** *** *** *** ***

Step Demon: To you like the word precipitate? Isn’t it a lovely word.
Dancinfairy: (quietly reading and minding her own business) Mmmm
Step Demon: I like it.
Dancinfairy: (quietly reading and minding her own business) Mmmm
Step Demon: Do you like it. It sounds good Precipitate. See?
Dancinfairy: (quietly reading and minding her own business) Mmmm
Step Demon: Can you spell it?
Dancinfairy: (quietly reading and minding her own business) Mmmm
Step Demon: P R E C I P I T A T E
Dancinfairy: (quietly reading and minding her own business) Mmmm
Step Demon: What’s wrong, don’t you like words?
Dancinfairy: Yes! I like Words! I particually like words when they are strung together on a page making sentences. Like this one here – “I texted Ian to see if he wanted to meet me for a pint.” Then the sentences go together to make a story WHICH I AM TRYING TO READ IN PEACE.
Step Demon: But do you like precipitate?
Dancinfairy: *SIGH*

*** *** *** *** ***

Suddenly I start to see why I am the way I am!


  • Reply soulmining January 4, 2006 at 2:17 pm

    Cor, your Step Dad sure knows how to welcome you home… I hope you gave him a good slap for that comment!

    It sounds like you’re starring in the middle of your very own sitcom! Your Mum’s remarks are just priceless!

  • Reply kate January 4, 2006 at 4:30 pm

    kel, your family sounds like such a trip. i love it! how funny is your mom? what a funny lady.

  • Reply Doug January 4, 2006 at 4:41 pm

    That was great. I had a friend over at the house the other week (female). We are not involved in any way. We went back to my room and were watching movies and my dad calls me from the kitchen on his cell phone to tell me he is leaving. He didn’t want to interrupt anything and I told him if I was flailing around naked on the bed, I wouldn’t have answered the phone.

  • Reply Dancinfairy January 4, 2006 at 6:16 pm

    Soulmining: My being there was punishment enough!

    Kate: She is crazy but I love her to bits. Life would be pretty dull without her.

    Doug: Parents can be the worst can’t they! Still at least he did give you some privacy (The Step Demon used to walk up the stairs stamping his feet and talking loudly so he would never catch me in one of those ‘situations’!)

  • Leave a Reply